Shedding the Quills

I don't really know what to say here.  I've thought about and pondered this post for a long time.  I've written and rewritten it numerous times.  And now, I'm just praying that the Holy Spirit gives me words that are not my own, and that these words do what they need to.  (And that God gives me the strength to click "Publish Post" when I'm done.)

I've been grieving lately about something that I've done.  Something that maybe you've done too.  I've set up a system that just isn't working anymore.  A system that never worked, and will never work.  

It's called dishonesty.

Here's the thing.  I struggle.  And I feel alone in my struggles.  You have no idea how many times I've sat here wondering why I'm inadequate, why I don't have it all together, why I feel like I have so few people who I can call and say, "hey, life feels crappy right now.  Here's why."  As I've been wrestling with these things, God has given me the answer - it's because I don't talk about it.  It's because I'm so busy trying to convince everyone around me that it's all good.  That I'm supermom and I have my crap together.  That's dishonest.  And maybe you're in that spot too.  

It's really hard to go to someone in your brokenness when you feel the illusion that they're better than that.  That they don't struggle like you do.  It's really hard to go to someone when you feel like they will listen just long enough to counsel you from their spot above the crap.  It's really hard to go to someone when you feel like they're just going to worry about you, or put a label on what you're going through.

But here's the truth.  I've done this to myself.  How do I know that?  Because I've been the person who has been unapproachable, who has wanted to save the person who comes to me in their weakness, who isn't always willing to share my struggles in return, who has just been filled with concern instead of genuine love and understanding.  That's why I know what it looks like so well.

I'd like to be different.  I'm going to be different.

I know that it's not always the appropriate time or place to share your innermost struggles.  Some relationships don't ever go there, and that's okay.  Some people just really aren't safe to go into that place with.  And some struggles are meant to be kept close to your heart.  

But sometimes, it's a beautiful thing to sit across from a friend, and say, "hey, this is hard".  It's a beautiful thing to hear a friend's struggles, and just say, "I'm sorry, and I understand that.  Please tell me about it".  Even if you've never been there, or you're coming out of it, to just lend an ear.  Without answers.  Without planning an intervention because you're concerned they're losing it.  To say, "I can't help you.  But I can travel this road with you".  To put on your rubber boots and wade through the crap with them.  Heck, to take off your boots and still wade through it with them, unprotected, unafraid of getting dirty.

Isn't that what most of us want?  We don't want help - we want company.

Why are we so scared of each other?  Why are we so scared to ask how someone is really doing?  To probe into some of those messy places? 

Is it because we're scared they will do the same to us?  I know that's probably one of my reasons.  Is it because we're scared to get dirty in relationships?  Probably that too.  A wise friend of mine once told me that the enemy puts fear in front of what God wants for us.  So sometimes, to run in the direction of something scary is a really good start.  

So here's the thing:  I'm sick of staying clean.  Because clean is a lonely place.  Dishonesty is a lonely place.  I'm praying that God will show me who He wants me to get dirty with.  And I finally want to live in honesty.  True honesty.

I don't know if you're with me here, or if this makes no sense to you.  Maybe this resonates really deeply with you, or maybe you think I'm crazy or in a totally different place.  Either way, it's okay.  I am sharing what God has told me to share, in the expectation God is taking me to a better place.  A place with truth and intimacy in relationship.  I want to shed the quills of illusion I have covered my body with.  The quills protect.  But the quills repel too.  I don't want to be a porcupine anymore.  How about you?  

So I'm trusting God to put women in my life (or show me the ones that are already there) who I can be honest and messy with.  I might have to make the first move and be real, truly real, for the first time.  You might have to make that move with people in your life.  But God is good.  He will bless that step of faith. 

And so I wait on my Father...