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But I am less at peace, too. Less of the comfortable/ignorance-is-bliss/forget-what-I-need-to-be-doing kind of peace. Which isn't peace at all. It's more like just standing in the street, watching a war going on, and shutting my eyes tightly like a child watching the scary part of a movie, pretending it isn't going on.
But in that peace, I also feel unrest. I have so many battles going on in my flesh. I want to love and serve people like Jesus did. But I also want to look and feel good for doing those things. It's not completely selfless. Yet. (I am praying that God makes me more selfless, that he breaks my pride. Not such a smart thing to pray for...) Sometimes I think I should take on something that I totally and fully do NOT want to do. Just so I KNOW that I'm doing it for God's glory and not for myself. But then that seems kind of silly.
And then there's the whole global vs. local issue. I would love to go overseas and get involved in some cool ministry there. But there's a lot of need right here, too. What to do? What to do? And while I'm all for just jumping in and starting something (I like to think I am... at least in my head), I also want some direction. Some sense that that is where God has put me. That it is of HIS doing, and not just on my own whims.
And then there is this whole issue. She puts it perfectly. I struggle with those exact same things.
I've committed to reading Isaiah 58 every for a month with a friend. A beautiful friend who gets all these things about me and is on a similar journey herself. I'm praying that God changes me through it. That He shows me the answers (for lack of a better word) to all my wonderings, my struggles, all this STUFF. And He'll probably ruin my life. But that's okay. Because I kind of want my life to be ruined right now. I want Jesus to mess up my life so that it's not possible for me to in my comfortable little bubble anymore. And to show me how I can be his hands.
Another step in the journey...
7 comments:
Oh Sarah.
you said everything I wanted to say tonight and didn't know how. My heart is breaking. I feel so full of desire to move in the kingdom life, and yet feel so little direction. I feel desire to live radically right here, where I'm planted, but am unsure how. I ache in my bones with the people around me who are feeling the same pullings and I wonder what it is we should do? I feel that it is building and maybe I keep waiting for some movement to come along and sweep me up in it. I keep feeling a call to pray, to pray for direction to pray for eyes to see the little things God wants me to do, to pray for the submission and delight to sacrifice the bigger things, to live and pursue the abundant life. The real abundant life.
I wish Camrose wasn't so far away, i'd go for coffee with you when the kids are in bed. Maybe we should just skype and drink coffee after the kids are in bed. What are we going to do?
peace and unrest. that is it exactly.
sorry for the jumble, I just let it come out as it came out.
You are a dear sister in our God, and I'm thankful for you.
ps, can I link to this in my blog?
Claire, I am so blessed by you, just to have the peace (again) of knowing I am understood, and that there are others beside me in this. We should do some "talking" in the afternoons, commit more time to planning and talking and wrestling (not literally!, haha!). The friend I talked about in that post, I spoke with her the other day, and I told her about you, and how you're just like us, and the three of us would never stop talking! :) I'm thankful for you too. And of course you can link it. Thanks for introducing me to Study in Brown.
Oh, and I also committed to reading with you, too! Her and I decided to read it over the phone and discuss. We should do that in our afternoon times that I hope we can have!
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