Discipline

The last little while we have been entering into a new stage of parenting: DISCIPLINE. It's been on my mind a ton lately.

Kris and I hadn't talked too much about the direction we wanted to take in the area prior to having children, or even prior to Sam reaching the age where discipline was required. I think we sort of just assumed that we would just know what to do.

But, about a year ago, we entered this stage, and after some talks about our goals and visions for our family, we realized that we wanted to do anything BUT what we knew. We came to realize that what we knew about discipline is not the kind of parenting we want to do. That a lot of parenting "ideals" that are prominent in our society are not the kind of tactics we really want to use.

I'm really starting to see what unhealthy views we have when it comes to our children. We think that adults are more important than kids. (This may never be spoken, but our actions certainly communicate as such.) Adults should always be "in control". We need to "stop that behaviour" when our kids make mistakes and act in ways that we don't like. We believe that kids should "act their ages", which usually means that we want them to act older than they really are.

We have been trying to break some of these habits, and to try and form a new way of thinking in our family.

While poking around the library looking for a parenting book recommended by a good friend, whose parenting style we admire and respect a great deal, I stumbled across another great book. I have been totally blown away already, and I am only into it a few chapters.

The author says the first and biggest behaviour problem we have to deal with as parents is... (wait for it...):

OUR OWN.

Children react in the ways that they are modelled. If I deal with Sam with anger, stress, and frustration (which is my choice, and my responsibility to control - not Sam's), he will react to me with anger, stress and frustration. What you put in is what you get out. (Which is a shocking concept, when you think about how some discipline can involve yelling, angry words, and hitting/spanking - yikes.) But if I treat him with love, compassion, and understanding, then I will breed those very things in him. It doesn't mean that he doesn't have boundaries and rules, and consequences when he oversteps them, but that he is treated the way that I would want to be treated when I need correction. And hopefully those qualities eventually spill over into how he treats others as he gets older. The author also says that looking at the qualities in your child that you would like to change is a great indicator for the areas in which we ourselves need to change. Here's a great quote, that I love and hate all at the same time:

"Virtually every so-called 'strong-willed child' has at least one stubborn parent who insists on dominating the child and perpetuating power-struggles. Ask yourself, 'Am I this parent?'"

Oh crap. It's so hard to see areas in which we need to change. But that's my favourite thing about this book. It's focus is not to see "what's wrong" with your child, but to draw attention to our issues as parents that create discipline problems.

It may sound like a huge statement, but I really believe this stuff is life-changing for our entire family. And it's already making a difference.

The other night, Sam was having a tough time, and starting having a huge temper tantrum. We tried to give him a time out, which just perpetuated the issue (mostly because we were contributing more anger and frustration into the situation). So, we told Sam that it was okay to be angry, but that he needed to take some space in his room until he was calm again (thanks, Claire!). Only a few minutes later, he emerged his regular, happy little self. And we realized that perhaps "outbursts" like that don't need to be disciplined so much as directed. To teach Sam skills that he can use to deal with those feelings, instead of just focussing on "stopping it", because we need to show him that "he can't act like that!"

I don't say any of this to make it look like Kris and I have it all together, or that we've got it all figured out. We're normal parents who make lots of mistakes. But we're just trying to take a new direction, and to question some of the ideas that we've always just believed about how we should deal with our children. To figure out what's right and what works for our little family. We're on a huge journey with this parenting thing!

I'm so thankful there is grace in this process. And I'm thankful for the fact that if I love and worry about how my kids are treated, how much more does my Heavenly Father love and worry about me?