Guilt

Warning: I'm about to be pretty vulnerable here.

I have realized over the past year and a half that no role in life has the possibility of causing more guilt and worry than motherhood. If you let it. And sometimes, I do.

I have been sick the past few days. Some really crappy head and chest cold. Today, Kris went to the city for the day to go mountain biking with friends. I am glad he could go. And because my husband is very sweet, he arranged to have his mom look after Sam for a bit today, so I could have a break and get some rest. But I feel guilty about it. She even offered to have him the whole day if I needed it. To not worry and just rest. Which I would like to do. But I feel kind of guilty for wanting that.

I have known some mothers who all they seem to want is to get away from their kids. Who complain about their roles as mothers, who seem like it's something they need to escape from. Who can only feel filled up when they've been away from their everyday life. I have (and do) judge those women.

And I realize, a lot of my guilt is just a by-product of my judgement. Because I judge, I fear I will be judged. Because I see in them something I don't like, I try so hard to do the opposite. For fear of being like them.

Isn't it funny how often WE'RE the ones who suffer from what we put on other people?

If I didn't judge, didn't worry about what other people are doing, didn't measure others by MY ruler of what I think is right, I don't think I would feel such bondage to guilt. If I didn't have such high expectations for others, I wouldn't assume others have them for me. I would probably feel more freedom. I would take a day off when I feel crappy as a huge blessing, and not have to justify it. And just let it be what it is. And not worry so much about NOT being like so-and-so who does something I disagree with. To just do what I think is best for my family and I.

Yikes.

I think I need to pray for spiritual blinders. Like those ones that horses wear. So that I can focus on me, and my own family, and what is directly ahead of us. And not on what everyone and their dog (sometimes literally) is doing. And the less I worry about others, I think the less guilt and bondage I will feel in some of these areas. The less I will assume that others are judging and critiquing me.

You know, the whole "speck in another's eye" and the "log in my own eye" thing.

And as much as I hate having to stare my own flaws in the face, I am glad that I am being refined. Because what is on the other end should be beautiful. And freeing.